Dear Luzerne County Community College (LC³),

I am applying to your college because it will complete me as a person and hopefully get me chicks. I don’t want a particularly good job; I know that attending your college will give me a useless degree with which I will wind up being a bartender. I have no particularly high hopes.

I want to attend your college because I am hoping it will get me chicks. You heard me right. Tons of poor, dumb girls who didn’t even take the SAT’s who are looking for a “second chance” in college. The rest of us all know that this is crap, that they’ll wind up in the trailer parks having children of people such as myself. But where else am I going to pick up my trailer park princess than in a room where she’ll “learn to be a nurse”? It’s perfect, I tell you, completely perfect.

It’s not like I’ll slack off. No, I will graduate with honors. People will like me; I will be popular. This is because I have a social skill that very few people have.

I can emulate cute animals. Name a cute animal and I can do a wonderful impression of it. For example, a favorite amongst the dumb blondes at my particular school is the “fuzzy lemur” schpeil. I put my hands up by my head, yell “fuzzy lemur” and they come running. If you could perhaps put me on a pedestal (on my free bells, granted) I could attract girls who like cute animals. Think about your own daughters (if you have any). Barbies are all well and good, but stuffed animals are what make it into the bed at night. They are the huggable, they are the lovable. I can attract all of the ladies straight to your campus.

Imagine this scenario: Girl gets her admittance letters. “Harvard or LCCC?” she asks herself, and remembers me. Poof. The Lemur has pulled another trick. LCCC can make it into the Ivy League at this rate.

Please consider me. This is the beginning for your college. I am the anointed one. I just hope you catch this opportunity before it slips through your fingers.

A. C.