Exclusive: Is Dirk Still A Jerk?

Everyone’s seen those classmates.com ads, one of which asks, "Is Dirk still a jerk?" Well, this has clearly aroused the curiosity of many, so we here at Metro have gone for an exclusive interview with the only Dirk.

I, Leah Budin, investigative reporter, went to his apartment in New York City. He had clearly climbed the corporate ladder in order to afford such a glorious penthouse apartment with lush furnishings and its own hot tub in the middle of the kitchen. Along the walls there were tribal masks, shrunken heads, and mounted moose and deer heads. He was wearing a fur coat which he abruptly threw onto a moose’s antlers upon our entering.

He sprawled himself on the big comfy-looking velvet couch and told me to sit on the floor. Then the interview commenced.

Me: So Dirk, why were you considered a jerk?

Dirk: Well, I used to give wedgies and to snap bras, but all the fellas did that. I also threw geeks into lockers and made disgusting chauvinistic comments about all the girls, blondes, and fags I could find. Then I went home and beat up my mom.

Me: So… have you been a jerk since then?

Dirk: Well, now I fire minorities so I can give jobs to family members and cronies. I also neglect my pets.

Me: What pets?

Dirk: Well, I’m in between right now. When I get sick of them, I hand them over to Proctor and Gamble, who do animal testing. I hear they do really ghastly things to all those cuddly animals.

Me: Um, back to high school. Do you promote classmates.com?

Dirk: Sure I do. I’d love to be reunited with my class so I can gloat over the difference in income levels.

Me: Do you have a girlfriend?

Dirk: What? You’re interested?

Me: No, I --

Dirk: Good, because you’re not hot enough for the job.

Me: How long do your girlfriends put up with you?

Dirk: I generally don’t stay in relationships for very long. Usually girls will realize they’re not good enough for me and dump me to protect their own fragile egos.

(At this point, I resisted saying "Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt," the way I do when girls wear clothes two sizes too small which don’t fit and then twitter that though that size usually fits, the store must’ve been "running small.")

Me: Sorry to hear that.

Dirk: If you were hotter, you’d be good for a fuck or two, I guess.

Me: Thanks for the comfort. I guess I’ll leave you and your right hand alone now.

I stood up, my body aching from sitting on the floor, and left. As I closed the door and stormed down the hallway, I heard him yelling, rather sadly, I like to imagine, that he’s a lefty.

My conclusion: Dirk is still a jerk.

But ladies! If you like money and you like jerks, this guy is single! Putting up with him and later poisoning him could land you with a multimillion estate, plus a gruesome apartment! Consider!