How To Write A Personals Ad

We all know the very best way to get guys is to be yourself. But sometimes that’s just not good enough. It’s particularly hard when the guy’s right there. Looking good on the spot when accidentally bumping into a guy is impossible. If you don’t scare him away with your teeth, your outfit, or your lack of makeup, you will surely make up for it by being either physically or socially clumsy.

A great way to avoid all this embarrassment and to come into your first meeting with a guy prepared is to write a personal ad. Back in caveman times, women drew big breasts beside renderings of their huts. Now, it’s a little more refined, but not by much. Let’s take a good look at how to write your own.

DO NOT LIE about your age or interests. You don’t want a younger guy to go for you, only to realize you’re an old pervert or something. Also, if you hate "long walks on the beach" don’t say you like them, because then whenever you get together with Mr. X, you’ll wind up walking on the beach, getting sand in your toes, getting sunburned, and, above all, being miserable.

AVOID frightening potential Mr. Special off. IE do not write about your love of literature or foreign languages. Do not say you’re a college graduate. Avoid any mention of long-term relationships or children, especially if they live with you. You must project yourself as completely single, carefree, vapid, and energetic in bed. Think: Barbie.

YOU MAY LIE/EMBELLISH anything else. If you say, for example, that you have a C-cup when really all you have are A’s, go to Vicky’s and buy a padded bra. By the time it comes off, he will have already forgiven you.

Also, make anything you have sound appealing. For example:

Fat girls are "full-figured."

Scrawny girls are "slender."

Flat girls can fake "full-figured."

Stone-ugly girls can claim to be "good in bed."

Bland girls should focus on the good parts of their bodies.

Even conjoined twins can say they already have another girl ready for a threesome that he’ll never forget. (And trust me, he won’t.)

See? Anything can be moved to your advantage.

Now, finally, a note on reading responses or men’s personal ads.

If he tells you he’s any number over thirty, add on five to ten years.

If he states he loves poetry or the ilk, he’s trying to come off as "sensitive," thereby getting you into bed faster.

If he has bad grammar, it means he has only had the same amount of education as a ten-year-old. It’s also likely that he is from the Bible Belt.

If he claims to be attractive in any way, don’t believe him.

If he admits to having a wife, go for it. You can hold it over your head later. Plus, it’ll be really easy to get rid of him when it’s over.