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Thinking about wearing sweatpants? Think again!
Grotesquely High Heels. Same principle as Chinese footbinding. Hot damn.
Hair. Foofed to perfection.
Padded Bra. By the time it comes off, he won’t care anymore.
Sleazy Outfit. Stuff your mom would discourage but your grandma would be silently rooting for you, wishing she’d made more of her sex years.
Fishnets. Nothing screams “available” like these. Don’t even try to refute that you’re not going to get another opportunity for months.
Note
It’s always good to stick lots of perfume in your hair, on your eyelids, between your breasts, on your ass, behind your knees, and between your toes.
Note
Keep smiling, even if he’s a real jerk.
You may later be introduced to some
cute friends or even a hot little brother.
(If, however, he is noticeably too young
for you, DO NOT CRADLESNATCH,
no matter how good the little tyke claims
he is. His family will always think of you
as that crazy cradle-snatching pervert
who dated the older to deflower the
younger.)
Note
You’re not getting any younger, you know. All the marriage-worthy men are getting snatched up. Being a divorcée is so much trendier than just being single.