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We here at Metro are breaking up our movie reviews into two sections, the “If You Like Him” section (movies to watch if you’ve got a keeper) and the “If You Don’t Like Him” (movies to watch if he’s a dud).
Scream I, II, or III. Though you’re no Neve Campbell, with a lot of plastic surgery you may come close. Regardless, after any of these movies, he’ll be energized and ready to close his eyes and pretend. You’ll be imagining he’s Brad Pitt, making it perhaps halfway satisfying.
action. (always a winner genre)
Enemy of the State. Lots of running around. but hey, even if the date fails, there’s one scene in which Will Smith gets down to his boxer shorts.
The Fast And The Furious. Definitely a guy flick, but it almost kind of has a plot, strangely enough.
children’s.
Consider the novelty of kinky sex with Disney cartoons in the background. Consider the bragging rights. “Oh,” you giggle, “Aladdin. Even better... Pocahontas.” Your friends will be enviously dying for the details.
Sometimes you have to select just the right movie with which to get rid of him.
science fiction.
Plan Nine From Outer Space. So bad it’s good again, this badly shot movie has cars that drive from midnight to twilight to noon in the span of a moment, cardboard spacecraft, and wobbly gravestones. It also features a character whose actor died in halfway through the production of the movie, so, instead of fixing the plot, they just had half his scenes shots from behind or with a cloak over his face. Remember these little mistakes and loudly point them out throughout the movie. The guy will always remember you as that loud, obnoxious girl who rents obnoxious movies and won’t shut up during them.
Star Wars. (You must first do a little research and be sure that the guy in question is not a Star Wars fan.) Rent all five of the movies and declare it’s marathon time. He’ll be out of there pronto.
horror.
The Mothman Prophecies. Just sort of weird and unsettling. All sorts of cryptic plot twists. You’re told that it’s supposed to be based on a “true story” but are having trouble believing. It’s guaranteed that you and your date will stare awkwardly at each other for twenty minutes then play Chinese Checkers in dull science and go to sleep cuddling with the lights on. He will never return.
romance.
Get a “romantic comedy” and he will fear you forever.
children’s.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Kids are witches and wizards in this disturbing pop culture phenomenon. Cry at strange moments and claim to be touched. Say you’ve read all four books and are training to go into the dark arts yourself.
drama.
A Civil Action/Erin Brokavitch moviethon. Say that you’re really into the “cancer in the water” genre and you’d really like it if he could get into it, too.