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This particular woe has befallen many women in the past. You haven’t had a date in a while and now you’re faced with the horror of horrors: You don’t have a cute pair of Victoria’s Secret panties to wear. Not a single pair.
Everyone else has one, from your ten-year-old neice to your grandmother, but you’ve let your underwear fall to the wayside. Now you are alone in your apartment, wondering what a lot of us wonder: Will it be Hanes Her Way, or Fruit of the Loom?
Hanes’ webpage claims, “It's easy to make underwear that is comfortable and makes you beautiful. At least, we think so.” Depending on your style of choice, you may choose between festive selections such as Invisible, Sporty, Trend, and, our favorite, Comfort Lace, which can be found at such fine stores as Ames, Goody’s, K-Mart, Shopko, Target, and Wal-Mart. It comes in Oxygen Blue and is available in “Hi-Cut.”
Fruit of the Loom’s webpage is considerably less informative. It says to us that “The products are available in a variety of styles including Briefs Bikinis and High Thigh. These products are primarily available through discount chains and mass merchandisers. Bras and sheer hosiery are available under the Fruit of the Loom brand name, manufactured by other companies under license.” Their list includes dollar chains not mentioned on Hanes’ site, such as “Dollar General” and “Family Dollar.” Just by webpage alone, they seem to like us less.
(However, they do claim: “The string bikini from Fruit of the Loom is an exciting extension to the current bikini offering.”)
Do looms really produce fruit?
But this does not help you solve your problem. You yearn for a company that will give you options on their webpage like, “Very Sexy. Very Now” or “Fun & Flirty.” But it is too late, you were stingy. What are you going to do? He’s coming over in five minutes and you’re bottomless.
Admittedly, this is probably all he’s ever wanted all along.
And really, as the two of you are in the throes of passion and he rips off your underwear, he’s not going to sit there and think that this is finally the moment he’s lost his virginity after twenty-seven years and hey, she’s wearing discount underwear.
But you’re still going to have to choose, right here and right now.
We here at Metro think that the choice you make determines who you are as a person and whether or not you will be successful and happy in life.
So choose wisely.