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LFB 2001
If you stare at the phone long enough, will it ring?
Lain discovered one gloomy Saturday night that the answer to this question was a firm, solid, unquestionable "no," much to her dismay.
Oh, she had believed all was going well. She’d called; he was on the way out with friends; he’d call back after dinner.
Three hours later, at 8:45, she was beginning to get doubtful.
What if his friends caused him to have second thoughts?
What if he never really was going to call back?
Hadn’t he taken down her number?
What could possibly be wrong with her?
What could possibly be wrong with him?
Her thoughts began to shift.
Her last boyfriend wouldn’t’ve done this. Had he thought he’d be late, he’d’ve hauled ass to the nearest pay phone, put in his 35 cents, and called, saying not to wait up.
Then again, he was also a Bible salesman who believed God created woman so they could be pregnant.
8:50. What kind of a belligerent ass was this?
What kind of a malignant bastard would refrain from calling her? If he had a problem with her hair or her clothes or her personality, he could have just said so. What was this? The STONE AGES?
Lain note
: Corset.8:55. Okay. Okay. Okay.
9:00. Some small animal is going to die. Lain vows not to nag him. If he just wanted to be friends, he could’ve damn well said so.
9:02. No sex for HIM, that’s for sure. He’s just absolutely lost his chances. Foreget it. His timing, it seems, cannot be trusted.
9:03.
Lain note: Men who do not call back such worthy women should certainly be castrated.9:04. Painfully castrated.
((pleasant thought))
9:10. Painfully, painfully castrated.
Chainsaw. Hacksaw. Switchblade. Guillotine. Machete.9:11.
Shark.9:12. But really. Lain wonder’s what’s wrong with her. Billy Corgan (Smashing Pumpkins) appropriately wails, "
The bitterness/ of one who’s left alone." She reflects upon her ex.9:14. Selling Bibles is so not cool. But at least he didn’t try to dye his hair blonde.
9:15. Okay, he didn’t just spend three and a half hours at dinner with his friends. If his friends somehow obstructed this all-important callback, they too, shall be painstakingly castrated.
Hacksaw, chinsaw, swithcblade, machete, guillotine, shark. She-gorilla in heat. Unfortunate biking accident.9:17. "
I’m all by myself/ as I’ve always known/ I’ve betrayed myself/ to everyone/ lost/ lost/ everyone but you." Billy Corgan is a downer. "So let the sadness come on in/ I’m glad you came" and so on and so forth. Time for some happier music.9:19. Lain changes into her PJ’s. You don’t have to look good for someone who’s not going to call you back on the phone, right?
Steel-toed boot, stiletto hell, vacuum cleaner (use your imagination).
9:22
. Practices calling him and telling him off. "Listen, if you didn’t like me, you could just say so, but this anxious waiting is simply not my thing. This is going to send me to therapy. Next thing you know, I’ll be talking to myself… shit."9:23. Considers calling her therapist. She hadn’t done so since she (the therapist) pronounced her (Lain) sane about a year and ten months ago.
9:24. Boy, she (both) was wrong. Okay, she (Lain) has been talking to herself for years, and it’s never really presented her a problem. Plenty of her friends did it, not in the safety of their rooms, but in supermarkets and such.
9:25. "
Listen, this should be the other way around. I’M BETTER-LOOKING THAN YOU. Maybe if you lost some weight, this would make more sense. Try to be more considerate next time."9:26.
Rock climbing with the harness around his manhood! EUREKA!9:27. Lain pats herself on the head. Was that the phone? ((pause)) Nope. Just schizophrenia again. She should not be spending her Saturday night like this.
9:28. "
Really. All of my friends think you’re fat. And homosexual. I’m moving to another country, preferably yours, where I can find thinner, straighter, more considerate versions of you." Lain isn’t really harping on the weight issue. It’s muscle.9:29. Isn’t it?
9:30.
Tweezers. Venus fly trap. Large fly trap or small dick?9:33. Speaking of size, his last girlfriend was a stick. Lain must look like a blimp next to her.
Lain note: Do not stand next to her.9:34. Oh, the belligerence. Someone’s going to pay. "
Hey, listen, I’m sorry for all of the trouble I’ve caused you. I feel so down that you don’t like me back."9:35. "
Not like you’d care, lard-ass."9:36. Sticks and stones may break my bones but stupid men cannot hurt men.
Chainsaw, hacksaw, switchblade, guillotine, machete, she-gorilla, biking accident, boot, heel, vacuum cleaner (use your imagination), tweezers, Venus fly trap, dick-harness.
9:37
. DICK HARNESS????9:38. ((laughter))
9:39. But really. Seriously now.
9:40.
D I C K H A R N E S S9:41
. Things are not going well for Lain.9:45. FOUR HOURS OF CHINESE FOOD? IT’S NO WONDER HE’S SO FAT.
9:46. Lain can take a hint. CHRIST.
9:50. That’s it; Lain needs chocolate. Tomorrow’s going to be a designated "Mental Health Day."
The perfect ending to this story would be if the phone magically rang, but that’s not going to happen. Life sucks in that respect.
