When I turned sixteen, a few days after my birthday, my older brother moved out of his room in our house and moved into his friend’s apartment, which was considerably closer to where he worked. This was a great convenience to all of us, especially our parents. Since I enjoyed the company of him, and his friends, I helped him pack and unpack upon arrival.

"Where," I inquired as I opened a box, "should I put all of the porn?"

My brother looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "Which box did you open?"

"Well. I appear to have opened ‘Busty Bikini Babes from Beyond part 5’ as well as such modern-day classics as ‘Rollerblade Hos’ parts 2, 3, and 7, ‘Lesbian Express – the Trilogy,’ and ‘Back that Ass Up Baby, oh Yeah.’ Whoa. Is this one home made?"

He snatched it from my fingers. "No."

"Was that the one marked ‘Fourth of July’ that we watched by accident?"

Funny story. I promise I won’t bore you. My brother once made his own home-made porn, with one of the neighbors and one of her friends pole-dancing in the basement to Madonna. Which is all well and good, he can do whatever he wants, right. But he marked it ‘Fourth of July,’ and once after dinner my mother stated that she’d never seen the Fourth of July video, and couldn’t even remember making it. My brother asked where she’d seen a fourth of July video and she stated with a smile, "your room." Then Dad insisted that we all watched it. You should’ve seen their faces. Anyway, that’s all in the past.

"No, that’s ‘Pole Dancing 101’ which I think is in the other box." He pointed. I opened it silently.

"Yeah, it’s right here."

Right then, his two apartment-mates, Harry and Ed, walked in, tossing a Koosh ball between them. They eyed me with knowing smiles.

"Helping with the porn collection, eh, Jerry?" Ed asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"You have porn?" Harry asked excitedly. "Anything good? Yo, Ed, we can add it to our collection. We have a huge box full of porn," he informed my brother.

"We have, in this box, ‘New York City’s Underside,’ ‘Pole Dancing 101,’ which is homemade you know, ‘Dirty Pussy part 9’ –"

"– A surefire classic," my brother interrupted.

Ed rubbed his hands together.

" ‘Beach Booty’ parts 2 and 6, ‘Angry Ass part 4,’ ‘Pussy Party,’ ‘Playful Pussy,’ ‘Stunt Cunt part 2,’ ‘Parted Legs part 5,’ and ‘Yummy,’ parts 1 through 12. Wow. Is this a good series?"

"Amazing," Harry said excitedly. "But I’ve only seen 1 and 6. The selection at Fox Video isn’t what you’d expect."

"How should we organize them?" my brother asked.

"Organize?" they both asked at the same time.

"We have a huge box," Harry repeated.

"I thought that now, since I had my own pad, I could definitely get them out on the shelves, perhaps give them an order," my brother said in disappointment. "Open up that other box, Jerry."

As I complied, I pondered aloud, "I wonder exactly how one would order porn. Would you do it in order of release? In alphabetical order? By director? Number of orgasms? Number of women? Number of orgies? Dick size of males? Order of how long you’ve owned them? Order of how much you’ve watched them? Order of how good they are?"

"I’d say," Ed said simply, sitting down on the orange couch. He paused. He rubbed his chin. "I’d say… order of director, then order of release."

"I think it would be easiest to do it in alphabetical order," my brother argued. "Not all of them attribute a director."

"New batch coming out. ‘Rainbow Kisses,’ ‘Mile-High Club,’ ‘Getting it with the Substitute, part 5,’ ‘Ass on the Psychiatrist’s Couch,’ ‘Head in the Cemetery,’ ‘Hooker Orgy’ parts 1, 3, and 4. Oh wait. There’s another layer. ‘Clit Fit,’ ‘Deep Throat,’ ‘Deeper Throat,’ ‘Wet and Wanting part 8,’ ‘Cocktail Waitress and the Cock,’ clever! Oh, and ‘Thighs of Steel.’"

"Okay," my brother said, pondering. "So the first of mine would be ‘Angry Ass.’ Should we all get together and make one giant collection?"

"Yeah," Ed said instantly. He got up and came back hauling a monstrous box. It was filled about halfway with tapes.

" ‘Blonde Delights,’ ‘Pink Heaven part 5,’ ‘Bending Backwards,’ ‘Split Second,’ ‘Tied Up and Tight,’ which, I must admit is Harry’s, ‘Blindfolded Babes,’ ‘Leather Love,’ ‘Chained Contained Cunt part 2,’ and ‘Barely Legal Greatest Hits’ parts 2, 13, 16, and 22. Those are only the best," Harry said, holding up the tapes as he read their titles.

"Okay," I said calmly. "Let’s lay them out in alphabetical order, with the beginning of the alphabet over at that wall, and the end over into that hallway. Then we can put them on the empty bookshelf we brought with us."

"Your brother’s a genius," Ed stated in amazement. He winked at me. "As a present you can watch a few."

Which is exactly what I had been going for.