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SURE THING
– Leah and Irina StyleHello
Hello
Waiter?
(ding)
So anyway I see that you’re reading. Chuck Palahniuk.
Yes, actually, have you ever heard of him?
No.
(ding)
Yes, actually, have you ever heard of him?
Yes! He’s my favorite author!
Have you read Choke?
Well, not yet. I’m getting to it.
I see.
(ding)
Have you read Choke?
Yes, I do very much enjoy the sight of your ears.
(ding)
Have you read Choke?
That’s the one about the transvestites, right?
(ding)
That’s about the ones with twisted sexualities, right?
(ding)
That’s the one about the cults, right?
(ding)
That’s the one about the can-can society in the late 1800’s, right?
(ding)
Yes, I have. It was great. I will never an airplane bathroom again. So what are you doing out here all alone on a night like this, beautiful?
I’m thinking about how they don’t serve milk at this joint.
You drink milk?
Yes! Do you?
No. It’s gross. I prefer Coke.
(ding)
No, it’s gross. I like to chug beer.
(ding)
No, it’s gross. I like to drink my own urine.
(ding)
No, I will only drink my own mother’s milk.
(ding)
Yeah, of course. Who doesn’t drink milk? It’s good for you. Just like a healthy, high, GPA.
I know! Mine’s about a 2.7! I worked so hard to get it there!
(ding)
Who goes to school?
(ding)
So, what ghetto are you from?
(ding)
What’s GPA stand for?
(ding)
I know what you mean. But it’s so hard to keep it up there.
I KNOW! All of that studying, cramming, neurotic whining. Do you see therapy?
Only psychos do that.
(ding)
Yeah, until they institutionalized me.
(ding)
Yeah, until I gave my therapist head and the relationship was never the same again.
(ding)
More or less. But I prefer AA.
(ding)
Yeah, my therapist is named Mrs. Saba.
Isn’t she the greatest?
Actually, I think she’s white trash.
(ding)
I don’t believe in women holding professional jobs.
(ding)
I don’t think she’s paying attention to my intricate problems.
(ding)
No, the other Harvie Saba.
(ding)
You’re ugly.
(ding)
Yeah, I like her. So you go to Sem, too? Why haven’t I seen you around the cafeteria before?
Because I am usually in the art room.
(ding)
Because I am usually in the weight room.
(ding)
Because I am usually jerking off in the bathroom.
(ding)
Because lunch is so fattening – who actually eats?
(ding)
Because I prefer to sit in a glass room and be watched by cooler people in the student center.
(ding)
Because I had no reason to until I saw you enter.
Very sweet. Are you for real?
No.
(ding)
No.
(ding)
Not really. Just kiddin. You’re ugly.
(ding)
Not really, but you are cute.
Tell me something about yourself.
I collect mummified rats.
(ding)
I collect bottle tops.
(ding)
I collect stamps.
(ding)
I collect pictures of hot German men.
Germans?
The Australians are all right too.
Australians?
My favorites are the Aborigines.
(ding)
My favorites are the Spanish.
(ding)
My favorites are the jocks.
(ding)
My favorites are the Swiss.
(ding)
My favorites are the Americans
(ding)(ding)(ding)
My favorites are the French.
It’s definitely a pleasure to meet your acquaintance.
So, I see you have a cough.
Yes, it’s a side effect of my herpes.
(ding)
See, it’s a side effect of AIDS.
(ding)
Do you think I have Anthrax?
(ding)
Do you find that sexy?
(ding)
Yeah. Good old asthma. What’s your favorite color?
Mauve.
(ding)
Pink. Especially neon pink.
(ding)
Magenta.
(ding)
Puce.
(ding)
Orange.
(ding)
Black.
My kinda girl. The classic black always works for me as well.
Yeah it’s good for covering up that ass.
(ding)
Those thighs.
(ding)
That waist.
(ding)
Those shins.
(ding)
Those god-forsaken elbows.
(ding)
It is properly evil.
Just so! My plans include taking over the world!
Oh really! How?
By taking over Hershey Chocolate factory.
(ding)
By creating a third American Disney World.
(ding)
By going to Harvard.
(ding)
By watching television.
(ding)
By hacking into "Good Housekeeping" online.
(ding)
By impersonating Martha Stewart and taking over K-mart!
YOU SHOP AT KMART TOO?
That’s where I buy all of my bras!
Padded bras?
Yes! I call them "contacts" when I’m alone in my room!
Moi aussi!
Tu parles francais?
Oui!
(squealy French noise)
So. What kind of music are you into?
Britney Spears. "I’m a slave" for her, if you will. I think she’s a feminist symbol.
(ding)
A hardcore mix of rap and country – and you?
(ding)
Aerosmith – they should never retire!
(ding)
I do very much enjoy the compositions of Wagner. Give me that over anything you modern people can throw! COME ON!
(ding)
Well, to tell you the truth, I’m an Enya fan. I’m kind of gay.
(ding)
I do very much enjoy the classic rendition of the song "Monster Mash." That’s my favorite song which I have on a Halloween party mix CD and essentially listen to on repeat mode.
(ding)
Oasis. Vast. You know how it is.
I do.
Angry loud music.
Soul Coughing?
Well, yes. Subtle. What kinds of foods do you like to eat?
Fried tongue.
(ding)
Donkey brains.
(ding)
Chocolate-covered cockroaches.
(ding)
Your mother.
(ding)
Slugs.
(ding)
Little girls.
(ding)
Cheesecake, fresh baked cookies. Anything with a high calorie level.
And what is your method of working out?
Little girls.
(ding)
Four hours a day on a three-day cycle which includes lifting and joining the SEALS.
(ding)
I do very much burn all of my fat through my chronic internet typing – you know how those role-playing games can be in the heat of the moment.
(ding)
I prefer cycles of starvation and then binging.
(ding)
I have a fast metabolism.
(ding)
Liposuction.
(ding)
Your mother.
(ding)
I do things when I feel especially guilty after having eaten a huge meal. Sometimes. When it strikes me.
So. What do you do to break up awkward silences?
I like to fart.
(ding)
I like to make shadow animals.
(ding)
I like to blow into my glass loudly to make a whooshing sound.
(ding)
I like to start honking my nose.
(ding)
Armpit squelches. You should try it. I’ll teach you. Take off your shirt.
(ding)
I start singing a capella. It’s best when I do it rap-freestyle.
(ding)
I play chess with myself in my head.
(ding)
I try to strike up conversations with beautiful people around me. Like you.
Are you hitting on me?
What? You’re hideous.
(ding)
What? Like you’d get with an ugly loser like me who spends his weekends all alone saying "yes mother" to a door and putting his marble collection in another order.
(ding)
What? Like you’d get with an ugly loser like me who spends his weekends collecting Blink 182 bootlegs.
(ding)
Why would I hit on someone who does not yet have implants?
(ding)
Yes.
Good to know.
I like to jerk off.
(ding)
You look like someone I’d masturbate over someone pretty soon.
(ding)
I think I have your mannerisms down. You are a screamer. I can diagnose right now.
(ding)
You don’t even have to come home with me tonight. You probably won’t be as good as my right hand anyway.
(ding)
I’m an honest person.
Another thing that’s good to know.
I want to marry you.
(ding)
I want to fuck you.
(ding)
I want to fuck your dog.
(ding)
I want to have your children.
(ding)
I want to have a penis.
(ding)
I want to have breasts.
(ding)
I want to own a dildo.
(ding)
Do you want to get a cup of coffee when school’s over today?
I can tell you’re going to go home and jerk off after school.
(ding)
And risk getting in the car with you?
(ding)
Actually, I don’t drink coffee.
There’s always milk.
THE END.