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“The ‘birds and the bees’ thing is completely out there. The bees would probably give the birds an affair to remember and a trip to the proctologist with something ungodly pointy. Forget about it. Birds get it on with birds, and bees with bees, but only the males with one slut queen. The other females lack wings and do the work, which, in my opinion, is better than existing to get fat and pop ’em out. Generally the species stick to their own species. Unless, granted, one considers bestiality, but that generally only happens in the country, with lonely widowed farmers and their wily sons and the local sheep. And cows, and horses. Stick to humans.”
“Your father would give you this talk, but he’s no longer with us, unfortunately. Let me tell you one thing: Girls are out to break your heart. They will then proceed to tell all their friends that your are unworthy scum and that they’re glad to be rid of you. Then they will go out with someone exactly like you. It’s a cycle. Manipulation is a cheap thrill. Go for a girl who’s kind of neutral. She may be boring, but the other girls aren’t worth it until they’ve matured past their training bras.”
“The female anatomy is a very funny thing. Beautiful though it may be – remember that the better it is, the worse it eventually gets. Look at Baywatch, for example: those tanned, large-breasted beauties will wind up infinitely wrinkly with their fake tits down at their ankles. Remember son: it the bigger it grows, the lower it goes. The smaller the perkier. Everything else goes south.”
“I’m only going to tell you this once. Don’t get any girl pregnant.”
“I love the Internet and pretending I’m a fifteen-year-old girl as much as the next person, but promise me you’ll never meet anyone in real life without your big beefy cousins with you. Most of the people on the Internet are people looking for harmless fun, but occasionally you’re going to run across someone who’s able-bodied and looking for a good time that you’re not willing to offer up. But are going to offer up anyway, if you get my drift. Unless you want to be anally raped by a guy named Bubba, keep yourself out of porn shops and chat rooms. Or at least chat room conversations that lead you to porn shops. I’m not as old as I look. I know what’s going on.”
“You’re going to have to learn to hide your Playboys better. Under the mattress is a cliché, son. I put them at the bottom of your sweater drawer. Don’t worry, I don’t clean that out nearly so often as I do your bed.”
“Everything you do will be told to all of her closest friends. You’re not supposed to do this to preserve her ‘reputation’ but you can as long as you tell the details to anyone as long as they don’t know her. As long as they don’t joke around about it in front of her, you’re set.”
“One of these days you’re going to fall in love. Don’t worry, it’ll happen on and off for a long time; someday you’ll find somebody that works. Remember that I am always here for you.”